So here I am, in the library, where I am prone to be. Studying, or making some futile attempt towards it. And I'm listening to all these new artists. More and more frequently, these artists are my age or even younger. And, I look at my own life. I see that the last seven years have been the same drill: class, study, volunteer at some places (generally to build up my resume to some self-theorized ideal).
As one can imagine, the question pops up asking why I'm choosing to go through this routine (which has become troublingly more and more tiresome as of late). What am I aiming for? Well, the short-term answer is obvious, to get the degree and work in its particular field. But looking at the bigger picture, I have to wonder what I really want out of the few productive decades that I have. And to that, I have no answer. I've probably never really had a solid answer. As far as I can remember, I've been semi-mindlessly following through with my routines relentlessly (a friend whom I hadn't seen in a long time commented that I was always a very routine person). It seems there has never been a very clear, defined goal that I've been working towards.
I mean these existential questions are nothing to me but I suppose it's been a while since I've poked my head above the water's surface to steal a glance of the horizon. I keep saying to myself that once I'm through with this phase of my life that I'll begin living life for myself. But I wonder if that will truly happen. What will that look like? I'm definitely excited to move onto that phase of my life (after spending the better half of decade in the same post-secondary institution). Although I seem to be chained to the same routines right now, I really hope that that will not be my ultimate fate in my next life. I don't want to be a machine.
Well, I guess that's enough of that for now, I really ought to get back to struggling so as not to drown under the weight of these crushing self-imposed waves.
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